Oblivious tour guides

Tour guide: And can anyone tell me what's different about this room?
[Everyone says something different]
Tour guide: I was hoping you would say that! [proceeds to talk about something else]
----
Tour guide: What's odd about this picture?
Lady: It has the Virgin Mary!
Tour guide: It's split in half.

Office Speak

CEO: I had a talk with one of our biggest investors. I won't say his name, but he's on the front page of the paper a lot. [pause] And, no, it's not Bernard Madoff.

---

Co-worker, after hearing about a terrorist attack: You know, sometimes I wonder why we can't just go up to the terrorists and be like "Maintain this history log." They have so much time on their hands!

Can't hide the inner pedophile

Co-worker #1: It's just a minor issue.
Co-worker #2: I like it minor.

Same diff

Co-worker, explaining script: And this line gets the data from the beginning of time. [pause] More accurately, since March.

I actually was listening

Sister: You can meet Stan's girlfriend, too.
Me: [silent]
Sister: She's really friendly.
Me: [silent]
Sister: And really funny.
Me: [silent]
Sister: She's pretty attractive too.
Me: Oh really?
Sister: I knew you would do that!

Black guy, after Obama wins: Obama! Now I finally feel like an American!
Black guy, after seeing me and my Indian friend: Someday there will be an Indian president.
Me: Maybe.

It's funny cause it's true

Karaoke DJ: What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her [female reproductive organ]? [pause] Only half the stuff that comes out of her [female reproductive organ] is retarded.

TMI

Real estate agent: My husband has a fetish for flashlights.

Hells yeah

Project manager: We should have hired Sumeet 3 years ago.

Well, avoided that question.. for now

9-year-old cousin, watching tennis: What does 'ho' mean?
Aunt: He's saying 'out'.

Touche

[at an empty bar in NYC]
Cousin: Do yall want to go somewhere more lively?
Me, skeptically: Is the bar across the street lively?
Cousin: Well, it can't be any less lively...

Wait, do I even work "here"?

Cashier #1: Hey, what are you doing tomorrow at 6?
Cashier #2: Working.
Cashier #1: Here?
Cashier #2: Yeah..
Cashier #1: I thought we closed at 5.
Cashier #2: We do?

HR lady, during committee meeting: I don't know if it was here, or in a future life...
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Asian, engaged female to married frat guy: Do you want the head?
Frat guy, with shocked look on his face: Uh, you'd have to clear that with my wife..
[entire poker table laughs]
Asian female: THE head. I said THE head! I hate all of you.

Fun over IM!

Me: i noticed that u and arash finally became facebook friends
Sister: haha that was solely for the party invitation
i'm pretty sure he'll revoke it afterwards
i wrote the entire invite, created it, posted links, everything and then he couldn't invite me!
haha
Me: oh, u can only invite your friends?
weird
i guess that makes sense in real life though
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Me: so what do u think they should have done with all the jews [instead of creating Israel]?
Friend: finished killing them
KIDDING!
------------
PM's friend: I have to change my shirt, I spilled coffee on it
PM: It's not a date
Take it easy
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Friend: have you told any of your dallas honeys that you're coming to town?
Me: yeah, they want to meet for lunch
Friend: who's they?
Me: haha, sue and mary.. i assumed that who's you meant
Friend: well, you have so many, i just wanted some clarification

Sorta

Mom, watching cable news: Why do they keep talking about Puerto Rico?
Me: They just had a primary on Sunday.
Mom: But they're not part of the US!
Me: Yeah, they're a territory, not a state.
Mom: Oh. Like Alaska?

I'm here for a check-up, not to be set up

Nurse, wearing wedding ring: [Born in] 82?!? You're young! Are you married?
Me: Uh, no. I'm too young for that.
Nurse: Are you working on it?
Me: Uh, not really.

... and I have pocket aces!

[At poker table]
Arkansan girl, to boyfriend at next table: Your mama's daddy just died!

Better watch them words

Communications training instructor: I want you to think of some phrases that turn you... uh, that make you feel good!
.....
Communications instructor: Alright, what did your group come up with?
Group leader: Open bar.

The Official Language at Work

Project manager, to me: I should add that you need to learn Hindi to your performance evaluation goals.

Selective Vision

Friend #1: Is there a Chase ATM nearby?
Friend #2: I don't think so. Let's just stop at a gas station.
[We stop at a gas station and withdraw money. After driving for less than a block, we pass a Chase bank.]
Friend #1: Great. Why didn't we stop here?
Friend #2: I didn't know that was here.
Friend #1: How could you not have seen that? That's like the biggest Chase sign I've ever seen.
Me: Thanks for making us pay the ATM fees, asshole.

Uh, good to know?

Project lead: If you ever want to kill me, just put tree pollen on my hand.
---------
Technical lead: You know what will always work on the internet?
[searches for '[search term 1] porn [search term 2]']

[At a pretentious bar near the Capitol]
Friend: Do you have Shiner?
Snobby, yet hot, waitress: No, we don't serve anything unusual here.

Here, too?

Hot HR lady, about PowerPoint presentation: And this is after 3 margaritas.
Guy: You did that after 3 margaritas?
Hot HR lady: Yup, I got home at 9:50 and finished this at 10:15... so excuse any spelling mistakes.
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Female employee: Well, Bill is leaving the day before, so I don't know if we want to have the golf tournament then.
Male employee: The finance department might be hungover.
Hot female employee, with a straight face: There's a good possibility.

Which one's Chelsea?

Hot hip-hop dance instructor: Your chest needs to touch your knee. This will be easier if you have a big chest... Chelsea, this will be really easy for you.

Curing cancer isn't "measurable"?

Manager, after reviewing my goal: That's a laudable goal, but it's not measurable. Remove it.

Then you'll fit right in

Manager: You're too happy. I need to instill some bitterness in you.

Where am I?

Co-worker #1, after 2-hour meeting: OK, I'm going to go eat. Are we meeting again in the afternoon, or are we done?
Co-worker #2: Actually, to be honest, we haven't even started yet.
------------------
Co-worker #2: Do you understand Hindi?

Female Empowerment

Guy: If I was a woman, I'd be a hoe. I'd be the biggest prostitute ever.
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Chick: The skate party was a flop.
Guy: It wasn't a flop!
Chick: It was a flop 'cause I wasn't there.
--------------
Chick: I can't go to Ghostbar with bottle service every week.
Guy: We don't go every week!
Chick: Well, I have the opportunity to go every week.

Flashes of the last few days

Scattergories - 'M' - Excuses for being late
Friend #1: Masturbation.
Friend #2: Murder.
--------
Guy #1: Do you want to get married?
Guy #2: To you?
Guy #1: No! Fuck you! Hell no!
---------
Friend #1: Are you going to miss Amy and Sue?
Me: Yeah. [pause] Well, I'm going to miss the possibility of Amy and Sue..
Friend #1: There was never really a possibility.
Me: Yeah.

Happy Hour quotables

Friend #1, to Friend #2: You're an unnecessary person.
Friend #3: That's a good description.
-------
Friend #3: You don't realize what you've done. You've gotten a bunch of introverts, who would rather sit at home on their computers, to come out and socialize. You're the center of this group. What are we gonna do without you?

You have more than one?

Me: So it looks like your girl's not coming.
Friend: She's with her father. [pause] Wait, which girl?
Me: I think you just answered that.

Georgetown is full of freaks

Random girl: Even more of a vampire validation.
Random girl's guy friend: Uh-huh.

Georgetown
Washington, DC

Pick-up line #1012

Friend #1: So Sue had a date tonight?
Friend's Girlfriend: Well, it wasn't a date. She went to dinner with a guy who makes his own lip balm and brews his own beer.
Friend #1: That's kinda weird.
Me: I wonder how that information even came out. Was that his pick-up line? "Hey, how's it going? I make my own lip balm."

One of the many things that sets me off..

CTO: So tell us a little bit about your experience.
Me, nervously: Uh, well, I've been working for about 3.5 years with C++ and Java....
Software Developer, looking at resume: So sumeet@gmail.com was taken?
Me: Yes! I was so pissed when I found that out! And this was back when no one had even heard of Gmail!

Barack leaves 'em speechless

Girl, after Obama rally: I feel so... I can't think of the word!
Girl's dad: Inspired?
Girl: Yes! That's it!

My dad: That's the great thing about Hindi movies. You can do some work, leave the room for a little while, come back and not miss anything.

Actually, less so

Me: I didn't know you had your belly-button pierced.
Drunk chick: Do you want to have sex with me now?

Bitter, much?

Chick #1: sumeet, this is MY movie.. i'm in ONE blog.. what the hell are you doing?

Feelin' the love

These weren't technically "overheard" since they were all part of online conversations over the past couple weeks.

Chick #1: well don't let your parents pressure you into moving back, the D wouldn't be the same without you!!
---------
Chick #2: missed you on saturday... you moving sucks
---------
Chick #3: we want to see a happy shiny sumeet again
[another conversation.. same person]
Chick #3: when the hell is your return? we've been waiting for you all month
---------
Chick #4: should i still send you invites to things? i don't know what's up
---------
Dude #1: just so ya know, everything is falling apart without you here to keep it together.. everybody hates everybody
----------
Chick #5: well i wish you hadn't left so suddenly.. we at least could have thrown you a goodbye party

I need better references..

Hot HR Lady: I talked to your references and yeah, you're the happy hour guy!

Hot doesn't necessarily mean slow

Hot HR Lady: So what was your product at [company name]?
Me: We made slot machine games.
Hot HR Lady: Cool!
[several minutes pass with other questions about favorite project, desired work environment, etc.]
Hot HR Lady: What were you making at [company name]?
Me: Uh, we made slot machine games... you know, like the machines they have in casinos?
Hot HR Lady: No, in terms of salary...

A match made in heaven

Dude: I've been told I communicate like a woman.
Chick: I've been told I communicate like a man.
---------
Chick: In every relationship, I've been accused of being the man.

Guys can be petite?

Chick: I was afraid we wouldn't find any jeans in your size since you're so petite.