I actually was listening

Sister: You can meet Stan's girlfriend, too.
Me: [silent]
Sister: She's really friendly.
Me: [silent]
Sister: And really funny.
Me: [silent]
Sister: She's pretty attractive too.
Me: Oh really?
Sister: I knew you would do that!

Black guy, after Obama wins: Obama! Now I finally feel like an American!
Black guy, after seeing me and my Indian friend: Someday there will be an Indian president.
Me: Maybe.

It's funny cause it's true

Karaoke DJ: What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her [female reproductive organ]? [pause] Only half the stuff that comes out of her [female reproductive organ] is retarded.