... and I have pocket aces!

[At poker table]
Arkansan girl, to boyfriend at next table: Your mama's daddy just died!

Better watch them words

Communications training instructor: I want you to think of some phrases that turn you... uh, that make you feel good!
.....
Communications instructor: Alright, what did your group come up with?
Group leader: Open bar.

The Official Language at Work

Project manager, to me: I should add that you need to learn Hindi to your performance evaluation goals.

Selective Vision

Friend #1: Is there a Chase ATM nearby?
Friend #2: I don't think so. Let's just stop at a gas station.
[We stop at a gas station and withdraw money. After driving for less than a block, we pass a Chase bank.]
Friend #1: Great. Why didn't we stop here?
Friend #2: I didn't know that was here.
Friend #1: How could you not have seen that? That's like the biggest Chase sign I've ever seen.
Me: Thanks for making us pay the ATM fees, asshole.