I actually said "Fuck you"

Manager: See ya, Sumeet!
Me, as the door closes: See ya!
Manager, opening the door: What did you say??
Me: I said see ya.. what did you think I said?
Manager: Something deragatory...

Can't we all just get along? I guess not...

Chick #1: I'm never hanging out with [Dude #1] again!
------------
Dude #1: Oh, by the way, I don't like [Chick #1] any more.
------------
Dude #1: [Chick #1] was acting like a fucking princess and you were indulging her!
Dude #2: Yeah, that's true.
Me: We're not doing this right now...

Me: Congratulations on your engagement.
Co-worker: Thanks.
Me: Have yall set a date?
Co-worker: It won't be for a year and a half to 2 years from now.
Me: Oh, does your fiancee want to finish school first?
Co-worker: She wants to get braces.

Shut up!

Friend: I like to think of this as the real world.
Stripper: In the real world, people don't come up to you and offer you lap dances.
Friend: I don't understand why not.
Stripper: Are you always like this?
Friend: Yes.
[after lap dance]
Stripper: You're a mess, but I like you.

I drink too much

Manager: You need to learn bingo! Go play this weekend at a bingo hall!
Me: Hmm.. do they serve alcohol there?
Manager: Some of them do.
Me: How much?
Manager: It's usually $2 a card.
Me: No... for the alcohol.

A Race Virgin

Chick: Is this your first time?
Me: Huh?
Chick: Running at Race for the Cure. Is this your first time?
Me: Oh! Yeah. Yeah, this is my first time.

... and every other time you're playing

Friend #1: Do you play poker?
Friend #2: I'm not going to be here this weekend.