Curing cancer isn't "measurable"?

Manager, after reviewing my goal: That's a laudable goal, but it's not measurable. Remove it.

Then you'll fit right in

Manager: You're too happy. I need to instill some bitterness in you.

Where am I?

Co-worker #1, after 2-hour meeting: OK, I'm going to go eat. Are we meeting again in the afternoon, or are we done?
Co-worker #2: Actually, to be honest, we haven't even started yet.
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Co-worker #2: Do you understand Hindi?

Female Empowerment

Guy: If I was a woman, I'd be a hoe. I'd be the biggest prostitute ever.
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Chick: The skate party was a flop.
Guy: It wasn't a flop!
Chick: It was a flop 'cause I wasn't there.
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Chick: I can't go to Ghostbar with bottle service every week.
Guy: We don't go every week!
Chick: Well, I have the opportunity to go every week.

Flashes of the last few days

Scattergories - 'M' - Excuses for being late
Friend #1: Masturbation.
Friend #2: Murder.
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Guy #1: Do you want to get married?
Guy #2: To you?
Guy #1: No! Fuck you! Hell no!
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Friend #1: Are you going to miss Amy and Sue?
Me: Yeah. [pause] Well, I'm going to miss the possibility of Amy and Sue..
Friend #1: There was never really a possibility.
Me: Yeah.