Actually, I have no idea what it is

Guy #1, reading Guy #2's shirt: What's the House of Representatives?
Guy #2, in disbelief: You don't know what the House is?
Guy #1: Oh, the House! I know what the House is.. Do you work there?
Guy #2: Yeah, I do IT work for them.
[later]
Guy #1: So, do you work for the government?

Everyone?

Random girl: Dude, everyone has the fucking swine flu! Get over it!

Well, that too

Me: I never got my new name tag.
Senior VP: Oh, you didn't? I thought you were just being obnoxious.

And you still did it?

Random Metro guy #1: Paul? I thought you looked familiar!
Random Metro guy #2: Yeah, man. You pissed on my house.
RMG #1: Oh yeah! I pissed on your house! I remember that!

Tour guide: Are you from here?
25-year-old friend: Yeah, but I'm about to move to Colorado.
Tour guide: Oh, for college?

Great, everyone thinks I'm crazy

[A co-worker and I had camped out in my boss' office for some group testing. He stepped out of the office for a minute, and my boss came back in.]
Me, after boss walks into his office: We can leave.
Boss: No, it's okay. (pause) You're the only one in here.
Boss' boss: Maybe it's time to start thinking about vacation.
---
[My boss left, my co-worker and I had done some testing, and then he left to get his laptop fixed. My boss came back later.]
Boss: Are your friends still here?

Flattered or offended?

New co-worker: Were you brought up in the US?
Me: Yeah.
New co-worker: I can tell by your accent! You sound just like my daughter.

DC people are WEIRD

Preppy guy: Do you have the green stuff?
Preppy girl: No, I don't have the green stuff.
---
Drunk guy, on cell: Meet me at.. fucking.. wherever. Fuck this, fool. We have 6 guys. I love you, brother.
---
Preppy guy, sincerely: And I don't even care if she's attractive.

Few are

Me: Wow, those girls are really laughing it up in there.
Friend: Yeah, they must be on something. He's not that funny.

Quiz Bowlers Gone Wild

Teammate #1: Are you sure that's right?
Teammate #2: Just go with it! We don't have time!
Teammate #1: Uh, yeah we do.. we have 15 seconds..
Teammate #1: No, we don't! We need points!

Unintentionally hilarious

Me, to girl getting free drinks from female bartender: Is she a friend?
Girl, after laughing hysterically: Yes, she's a friend.

The kind that's free?

Random Girl: What kind of hooker says that?

That's not how it works

Random guy: They picked me to be the designated driver, and I was the only one who had drinks! (pause) It was an interesting night.

Tossin in his grave

Girl: George Washington was the perfect sort of leader, the kind who doesn't want the glory or credit. (pause) Kinda like Harry Potter.

In other words, no.

Girl: Yeah, but she was still pretty attractive, right?
Guy: Well, in certain sorts of ways..

Me three

Cube dweller: Are there any plans to have a team-building activity outside of work?
Director of SoftDev: Well, my favorite activity is drinking.
(a few minutes later)
Director of Operations: My favorite activity is drinking too.

Hmm

Girl: If a gay compliments me, it means 10 times more than if a straight guy compliments me.

Good question!

Superintendent: We need to paint these walls.
Sister: Actually, the new tenant said the color was okay.
Superintendent: So, what am I doing here?

Inaugural madness

Random girl, after Garth Brooks performance at inaugural weekend: I feel like I'm at a bad wedding.
----
Random subway girl: Why'd they ride a train? I think of trains being more for funerals.

Me: So, who's that guy?
Drunk girl: My boyfriend.
Me: Oh yeah? What's his name?
Drunk girl: [silence]