Inaugural madness

Random girl, after Garth Brooks performance at inaugural weekend: I feel like I'm at a bad wedding.
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Random subway girl: Why'd they ride a train? I think of trains being more for funerals.

Me: So, who's that guy?
Drunk girl: My boyfriend.
Me: Oh yeah? What's his name?
Drunk girl: [silence]

Oblivious tour guides

Tour guide: And can anyone tell me what's different about this room?
[Everyone says something different]
Tour guide: I was hoping you would say that! [proceeds to talk about something else]
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Tour guide: What's odd about this picture?
Lady: It has the Virgin Mary!
Tour guide: It's split in half.

Office Speak

CEO: I had a talk with one of our biggest investors. I won't say his name, but he's on the front page of the paper a lot. [pause] And, no, it's not Bernard Madoff.

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Co-worker, after hearing about a terrorist attack: You know, sometimes I wonder why we can't just go up to the terrorists and be like "Maintain this history log." They have so much time on their hands!

Can't hide the inner pedophile

Co-worker #1: It's just a minor issue.
Co-worker #2: I like it minor.

Same diff

Co-worker, explaining script: And this line gets the data from the beginning of time. [pause] More accurately, since March.

I actually was listening

Sister: You can meet Stan's girlfriend, too.
Me: [silent]
Sister: She's really friendly.
Me: [silent]
Sister: And really funny.
Me: [silent]
Sister: She's pretty attractive too.
Me: Oh really?
Sister: I knew you would do that!