Oblivious tour guides

Tour guide: And can anyone tell me what's different about this room?
[Everyone says something different]
Tour guide: I was hoping you would say that! [proceeds to talk about something else]
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Tour guide: What's odd about this picture?
Lady: It has the Virgin Mary!
Tour guide: It's split in half.

Office Speak

CEO: I had a talk with one of our biggest investors. I won't say his name, but he's on the front page of the paper a lot. [pause] And, no, it's not Bernard Madoff.

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Co-worker, after hearing about a terrorist attack: You know, sometimes I wonder why we can't just go up to the terrorists and be like "Maintain this history log." They have so much time on their hands!

Can't hide the inner pedophile

Co-worker #1: It's just a minor issue.
Co-worker #2: I like it minor.

Same diff

Co-worker, explaining script: And this line gets the data from the beginning of time. [pause] More accurately, since March.

I actually was listening

Sister: You can meet Stan's girlfriend, too.
Me: [silent]
Sister: She's really friendly.
Me: [silent]
Sister: And really funny.
Me: [silent]
Sister: She's pretty attractive too.
Me: Oh really?
Sister: I knew you would do that!

Black guy, after Obama wins: Obama! Now I finally feel like an American!
Black guy, after seeing me and my Indian friend: Someday there will be an Indian president.
Me: Maybe.

It's funny cause it's true

Karaoke DJ: What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her [female reproductive organ]? [pause] Only half the stuff that comes out of her [female reproductive organ] is retarded.