Selective Vision

Friend #1: Is there a Chase ATM nearby?
Friend #2: I don't think so. Let's just stop at a gas station.
[We stop at a gas station and withdraw money. After driving for less than a block, we pass a Chase bank.]
Friend #1: Great. Why didn't we stop here?
Friend #2: I didn't know that was here.
Friend #1: How could you not have seen that? That's like the biggest Chase sign I've ever seen.
Me: Thanks for making us pay the ATM fees, asshole.

Uh, good to know?

Project lead: If you ever want to kill me, just put tree pollen on my hand.
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Technical lead: You know what will always work on the internet?
[searches for '[search term 1] porn [search term 2]']

[At a pretentious bar near the Capitol]
Friend: Do you have Shiner?
Snobby, yet hot, waitress: No, we don't serve anything unusual here.

Here, too?

Hot HR lady, about PowerPoint presentation: And this is after 3 margaritas.
Guy: You did that after 3 margaritas?
Hot HR lady: Yup, I got home at 9:50 and finished this at 10:15... so excuse any spelling mistakes.
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Female employee: Well, Bill is leaving the day before, so I don't know if we want to have the golf tournament then.
Male employee: The finance department might be hungover.
Hot female employee, with a straight face: There's a good possibility.

Which one's Chelsea?

Hot hip-hop dance instructor: Your chest needs to touch your knee. This will be easier if you have a big chest... Chelsea, this will be really easy for you.

Curing cancer isn't "measurable"?

Manager, after reviewing my goal: That's a laudable goal, but it's not measurable. Remove it.

Then you'll fit right in

Manager: You're too happy. I need to instill some bitterness in you.