That includes you, right?

Co-worker: I'm convinced that half the people in the world are complete tools. They don't have any real friends and don't know how to have a good time.

Me too

Guy #1: The hot model waitress even talked to us.
Me: She was asking if she could take our chairs.
Guy #2: Ugh, I need new friends.

Along with your slap bracelet

Mid-20's guy: From a girl's perspective, what do you think about my calculator watch?
Girl: If you ever want to get laid, get rid of it.

Not tonight

Guy: You're leaving?
Chick: Yeah, that's what the hug was all about. [sarcastically] No, I just like to randomly hug guys.
Guy: I know you do. That's why I'm surprised you're leaving without sleeping with anyone.