I actually said "Fuck you"

Manager: See ya, Sumeet!
Me, as the door closes: See ya!
Manager, opening the door: What did you say??
Me: I said see ya.. what did you think I said?
Manager: Something deragatory...

Can't we all just get along? I guess not...

Chick #1: I'm never hanging out with [Dude #1] again!
------------
Dude #1: Oh, by the way, I don't like [Chick #1] any more.
------------
Dude #1: [Chick #1] was acting like a fucking princess and you were indulging her!
Dude #2: Yeah, that's true.
Me: We're not doing this right now...

Me: Congratulations on your engagement.
Co-worker: Thanks.
Me: Have yall set a date?
Co-worker: It won't be for a year and a half to 2 years from now.
Me: Oh, does your fiancee want to finish school first?
Co-worker: She wants to get braces.

Shut up!

Friend: I like to think of this as the real world.
Stripper: In the real world, people don't come up to you and offer you lap dances.
Friend: I don't understand why not.
Stripper: Are you always like this?
Friend: Yes.
[after lap dance]
Stripper: You're a mess, but I like you.

I drink too much

Manager: You need to learn bingo! Go play this weekend at a bingo hall!
Me: Hmm.. do they serve alcohol there?
Manager: Some of them do.
Me: How much?
Manager: It's usually $2 a card.
Me: No... for the alcohol.

A Race Virgin

Chick: Is this your first time?
Me: Huh?
Chick: Running at Race for the Cure. Is this your first time?
Me: Oh! Yeah. Yeah, this is my first time.

... and every other time you're playing

Friend #1: Do you play poker?
Friend #2: I'm not going to be here this weekend.

Six Flags

Chick, after the Mr. Freeze ride: That was like an orgasm on X.
----
Chick: My phone died so I have to hold the [stuffed dog that we won at the carnival game].

I get blamed a lot...

Anyone/everyone that knows me: This is your fault, Sumeet!

I see how it is

Text, 8:11pm: No im pretty tired tonight [and won't be coming out] thanks though
.........
Text, 8:31pm: I got talked into smoking some hookah.. wanna come?

A much better view

Chick, with really nice ass: I feel sorry for the people behind me. They have to look at my butt.

Sometimes it helps, most of the time it hurts

Chick: That's what I like about you, Sumeet. You don't censor yourself. You say exactly what's on your mind.

That's punny

Co-worker: You're the only person I've met who doesn't laugh at my puns.
Me: Sorry, most of them are just too obvious. They need to be more clever.

Hot

Chick: Yeah, this group doesn't really work without Sumeet.

Oh, how little you know me...

CEO: I know you're a vegetarian, but do you drink beer?
-----
Me: Yeah, lap dances are usually $20.
Co-worker: That's funny that Sumeet knows that...

How does this always happen?

Co-worker (after putting in his two-week notice): He thinks you're leaving. [referring to me] He's expecting your notice any day now.

Paradise

Me: I'm drunk and stuffed.
Chick: That's the perfect way to be.

Truer words were never spoken

Friend: You can't fuck up if you've never been given the opportunity.

Parts were sooo drama

Hot chick, after The Bourne Ultimatum: That was sooo action.

Ahh. racism

White poker player: You don't like the white chips?
Black poker player: Nope. There's too many of them, they take up too much space and they're not worth much. [Pause] Just like white people.

Maybe that's why

Co-worker #1: I'm glad we're doing it.
Me: Yeah, I think it's a great idea.
Co-worker #2: It was YOUR idea!
Me: Yeah.

What, rape isn't funny?

Me, about coworkers: They just have a very different sense of humor than me.
My sister: Most people do.

Not a romantic, are you?

Chick, after watching Romeo and Juliet: I never liked Titanic either. It's all fun and games while you're on the boat, but what happens afterwards? Leo's character was an artist and lived under a bridge, and she was high-maintenance. Do you think she'd be okay with living under a bridge?!?

That includes you, right?

Co-worker: I'm convinced that half the people in the world are complete tools. They don't have any real friends and don't know how to have a good time.

Me too

Guy #1: The hot model waitress even talked to us.
Me: She was asking if she could take our chairs.
Guy #2: Ugh, I need new friends.

Along with your slap bracelet

Mid-20's guy: From a girl's perspective, what do you think about my calculator watch?
Girl: If you ever want to get laid, get rid of it.

Not tonight

Guy: You're leaving?
Chick: Yeah, that's what the hug was all about. [sarcastically] No, I just like to randomly hug guys.
Guy: I know you do. That's why I'm surprised you're leaving without sleeping with anyone.