Me three

Cube dweller: Are there any plans to have a team-building activity outside of work?
Director of SoftDev: Well, my favorite activity is drinking.
(a few minutes later)
Director of Operations: My favorite activity is drinking too.

Hmm

Girl: If a gay compliments me, it means 10 times more than if a straight guy compliments me.

Good question!

Superintendent: We need to paint these walls.
Sister: Actually, the new tenant said the color was okay.
Superintendent: So, what am I doing here?

Inaugural madness

Random girl, after Garth Brooks performance at inaugural weekend: I feel like I'm at a bad wedding.
----
Random subway girl: Why'd they ride a train? I think of trains being more for funerals.

Me: So, who's that guy?
Drunk girl: My boyfriend.
Me: Oh yeah? What's his name?
Drunk girl: [silence]

Oblivious tour guides

Tour guide: And can anyone tell me what's different about this room?
[Everyone says something different]
Tour guide: I was hoping you would say that! [proceeds to talk about something else]
----
Tour guide: What's odd about this picture?
Lady: It has the Virgin Mary!
Tour guide: It's split in half.

Office Speak

CEO: I had a talk with one of our biggest investors. I won't say his name, but he's on the front page of the paper a lot. [pause] And, no, it's not Bernard Madoff.

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Co-worker, after hearing about a terrorist attack: You know, sometimes I wonder why we can't just go up to the terrorists and be like "Maintain this history log." They have so much time on their hands!